Many of us spend time judging each other. Some of that time we spend comparing which is another form of judgment that usually leaves the comparer holding the short end of the stick. Many don’t even think comparing is judging. To have a comparison you have to judge each element, put them on some form of scale and then see who has the highest mark. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. If you are in a bad mood, you lose a lot. If you are feeling haughty or better than the rest of the world, then you might win more. What is it if it’s not judging? All we’d really need is a bench and judge gavel to make it complete. And sometimes we judge ourselves against a generic, do we not?
Some days I’m sailing high and loving life. My sail is full of wind (maybe that’s the problem!). I love those days and who wouldn’t? Anything that could upset me just doesn’t seem to matter. But then there are those days where I lose the light. The little judge has shown up. I’m looking at everything with judging eyes. I’m having trouble seeing the good because the judge is in residence. (I thought of using a capital J for judge but his/her head is big enough!) The judge is there and seems in full command. Sometimes I’m very successful at dislodging him quickly and moving him out off his bench. Sometimes the judge is a doing some major bench workouts: looking, watching, judging, comparing and making me feel terrible. I start to get worn down. Sometimes I get frantic. So why am I allowing the judge to sit there? Why am I listening to the pronouncements and feeling like the worlds’ biggest loser or worse?
One of the gifts of Nature
So what’s the best way to stop this vicious cycle? Start with gratitude. One woman, M.J. Ryan, wrote a book called Giving Thanks: The Gifts of Gratitude. Gratitude creates healing vibration by raising your vibrations. Judgment and comparison are the results of the ego. Once you start with gratitudes, the ego must step aside. Gratitude and ego cannot exist at the same time according to Deepak Chopra.
What do you do when you find yourself wallowing in the muck? How do you pull yourself our of the internal turmoil?
Julieanne Case came from a left brained world, having been a computer programmer who worked on the Apollo missions and, due to circumstances orchestrated by God/Source/Universe, joined the growing ranks of the right-brained world starting in 2001. She became an energy healing practitioner in 2004 and has studied various techniques. She is a Reconnective Healing Pracitioner, a Reconnective Artist, and a blogger. She assists you in reconnecting you to your original blueprint, your essence, your joy and your well being! ©Copyright Julieanne Case 2011
Your blog, Julieanne, gave me a chance to take a moment for self-inventory, something that I like to do daily. But, your thoughts had me reflecting on how I pull myself out of my own ‘pool of doubt’, if you will. One of my practices when I find myself ‘wallowing in the muck’ is to write down all the goodness in my life; achievments and people who matter. Looking at the list always brings wholeness and golden-ness back to the forefront.
Yes, gratitude is great tool. Just listing on paper or in your mind the things you have to be grateful for can stop the muck splashing and thrashing and bring you back into balance. Thanks for your post.
You are so right about gratitude. Even though some days it seems like gratitude is the new “in” thing, it does work to pull us out our our petty selves into a larger, more accepting and loving world. As for judging, it is something I work on actively so I don’t fall into it. I grew up in a family where harsh judgment and criticism were everybody’s favorite hobby, and nobody escaped the negativity, not in or out of the family. It took me years to even learn we were doing that, and many more years to learn news ways of responding and caring.
I pay attention to myself so that I don’t let judging creep in, and when it does, I stop myself and remember how ugly the feeling becomes inside of me. Same with resentments. I’ve been learning how to surrender them, with great relief. If I have some judgments or resentments that are particularly tenacious and difficult to release, I can help by writing about them, and then including in the writing my desires to let go. I will remember to end with gratitude.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com/blog/
“My cat owns me, my clutter stymies me, my writing frees me.
Word maven loves–and learns from–ordinary life.”
Wow, I, too, came from a very judgmental, negative, drama loving family. Sometimes it appeared like my mom and her 6 siblings were trying to one up each other with us kids to each other but tore us apart at home. Yes, judging is something I work on actively and I’m more successful at it when I see I’m judging others. It’s the internal self judging that can get away from me. And that just started in force the last couple of weeks which is what prompted the blog! It’s getting better and I’m learning to see it more quickly since I wrote the blog.
Some resentments are hard to release. Until I start questioning my mind on my beliefs about the resentment can I begin to let go of them. Because it’s our perception about the resentment that is really bothering us. Our mind always make them out to be worse than they are. I also use my energy work as well. That has been a big help.
Thanks for your post. You express yourself so beautifully!
A brisk walk, get my gratitude journal out (or do the grateful Ten on Facebook) and do my constructive rest or meditate. I too grew up in a family where harsh judgment was rife and I know I do it too if not as outwardly as those that hurt me in my family! I am prone to being so subserviant that I get very resentful when i can no longer stand it – then I judge! I work on it constantly! Luckily I am more aware of it these days. Thanks for a great post!
Louise Edington
Fabulous and Fearless
http://louiseedington.com
It’s amazing isn’t it? I’ve learned a great way to nick it quick! When I realize I’m judging, I’ll ask what’s similar or what am I seeing in them that I myself have? That will usually stop me cold! Remember the Art of Mirroring blog? We are all mirrors for us and judging shows us the way! Try it and let me know how it works for you!
have so been in the window of judgment, mostly my own. And mostly when it comes to mothering my youngest. I feel guilty that I am a bad mother, a mean mother, an inpatient mother. Then I have to pinch myself and remind myself that mental illness cannot be judged; that I am human and I have been more patient and have experienced more trying episodes with her than many people will in their lifetime. I turn inward, seek solitude and go to a quiet place in my mind. Others used to judge me all the time about my mothering skills. “Why adopt a special needs child” they would ask. Little did they know we had no clue about her background. Truthfully, if we knew then what we know now about Reactive Attachment Disorder maybe we would never have gotten on that plane almost 8 years ago. But it is what it is and I am doing the best I can. I am the toughest judge of ME than anyone else I know.
That’s what I’m talking about. We do judge ourselves and compare ourselves to others or worse to an imaginary person that can never be matched. That’s the hardest one. So I want to remind you of something you already know. What we do to ourselves we also do to others. So if you are hardest on yourself, that washes over those closest to you. You chose to keep your beautiful daughter, you have done everything you could think of and more to help her. So in those moments when you berate yourself, remember what you have done and praise yourself for that and repeat until the harsh judge steps aside. Remember the mirroring blog. She will see it too and mirror it back to you. It can be a vicious cycle. You are human, allow yourself to lose patience and then apologize when you do and admit to her that you are human. I wonder if showing her your vulnerability would help her, the vulnerability you have with her. You are a incredible person with many talents, abilities and drive. You are a huge role model and I would wonder if I could be as good as you if I were your daughter.
Fortunately, I was raised in a family of very little judgement and lots of encouragement, so I have not been overly critical of myself. It would be good for me to sit back and really take a good hard look at myself!
I know that I could do better in the gratitude and not gripe department though. Too often the little things bog me down and I lose sight of the big picture.
Thanks for a great post!
You are very fortunate to have been raised that way. Yes, our society loves griping. I’ve gotten that one down fairly well but there are still times. Then I remind myself to look for the good in it and look at what I have to be grateful for. It’s the judging others and myself that is hardest for me.
While I do believe that I am not a bad person for deciding that the mom who straps her kids into the car seats and then pushes the car into a lake, is not only a bad mom but a bad human being and I do not believe I am being “judgmental” in these cases, the problem is that while I am feeling these feelings, I am the only one it effects, the bad mom has no idea I am feeling this towards her so really, what is the point? I am really just hurting myself as i give of negative vibrations.which is kinda the point of your post. I have the serenity prayer next to my workspace, and even though i may not very religious, I read it daily as it is a good “common sense” approach to take and I am working on trying not to let these stories and all the negativity have such power over my own feelings and thoughts.
Julie Labes: The Fun-Loving, Feisty, Fearless, Frisky, Fierce Over 50 Traveler
That is very perceptive of you Julie to see that your judgments mostly affect you. That is one of the reasons I don’t watch the news or read the newspaper anymore. I agree with Louise Edington on that. It’s full of negativity and drama and it sucks you in.
I have a role model in the judgments and negative thoughts and she truly lives her life with no judgments about anything, literally anything. She regards nothing as bad or good. It just is. Her name is Byron Katie, she goes by Katie, and her website is http://www.thework.com. She says all suffering results from not questioning our thoughts and she has worksheets and videos to show us how to do this. I’ve seen her in person and I just love her. She is brilliant to watch. She believes we are all innocents who do things that are harmful to ourselves or others because we are believing our thoughts about ourself or others. If we had questioned the thoughts we wouldn’t have done those things. She does her work in prisons, everywhere and has made an enormous impact. She is my role model here. I would love to take her 9 day work shop. Katie would say that poor mother was believing her thoughts about her kids and herself and that is what caused her to do that. And she would be feeling nothing but love for that woman. Watch some of the videos on her site. They are mind and heart opening.
It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does I try to tell myself to stay the course, keep consistent, and believe in yourself. Also, sometimes I let myself “be” in the moment and feel whatever it is I need to that’s bringing me down, but I try not to stay there long.
Sharon Hiebing
Relocate Without Rose-Colored Glasses
Another thing that is useful is to just start questioning the thoughts. A simple “Is that true?” followed by “Is it absolutely true?” This comes from Byron Katie’s work I referred to in @9bdc4b70c032b435192958fa86af3f60:disqus reply. It’s amazing. Her book “Loving What Is” is a great book too.
I am a big fan of gratitude over judgement! I do believe, however, that you must always practice good judgement. You certainly don’t want to associate with people that have ill intentions or unintentionally supporting ulterior motives.
I see practicing good judgements as something we do in relation to what we are doing in our lives and how we choose to be. I’m talking here about judging others and ourselves to the point that it is harmful to us. That’s where gratitude comes in, to help us stop the judging and see what is good in our lives and to be kinder and gentler to others. I know the tendency in wanting to avoid those with ill intentions or negative people, but that is being judgmental of them. And how do they learn there is another way to be if we avoid them?
Judgement is a part of life, you are right. I think my biggest pet peeve are people living under religious doctrines that tell them not to judge but they do. Not much gratitude there.
Yes, but judgement doesn’t have to be part of life. And I totally understand the double standard judging big time. As a female, I was subjected to it for my entire career in the computer field and even in college as a math major. And to say in your favorite language of wine: to be the knowledgeable one on wines when my husband and I went wine tasting would spin a few winemakers heads back in the 70’s and 80’s until I ran into Stony Hill and she was so tickled that I was the aficionado that she let me buy a bottle of her Chardonnay and I wasn’t on her wine list then! And I have the same issues with the religious right. But if we continue to judge them, then we are doing to them what we don’t like to see them do, is that not true? So one side has to stop the judging and be the example, the mirror that can show them how to live in the world, disagree with what they say, but accept them as they are and maybe even be loving? (or is that too much of a stretch?LOL). I’m not always successful at this but damn, I try. And since I’ve been blogging about it, the Universe, with it’s perverse sense of humor has been testing me big time to the point I almost feel like a hypocrite writing about it so blithely! So there you have more of my two cents! And the gratitude comes in from the religious right giving us a chance to look within and become better humans on all levels! So I’m grateful when I listen to them knowing they are giving me another opportunity to practice being accepting without judging.
I try to always practice good judgement, but when I realize that I have not – I use words and time to correct.
When under stress related to judgement – a long walk is always in order for me! Rachel
I’m not sure there is good judgement unless it concerns judging what you eat and when and choosing the right things to consume and picking a good job. But in relation to what others do, say, think, that is the judging I think we need to look at and look within to allow others to live their life as they see fit so I can live my life as I see fit. Do you understand what I’m saying?
Yes, connecting with nature always brings us back into balance. Thanks for sharing.
I love w3hat you have written her Julianne. This is so me! I’ve spent a lot of my life comparing myself to others and always coming up short. I believe when I compare and come up on top, I’m still the loser because either way, I’m setting myself apart from my fellow human beings. It’s just a way to protect myself. And I also agree that gratitude, true deep gratitude is a great antidote. I find it also helps to be grateful for my assets when I am truly acknowledging myself, not as better than (or less than), but just recognizing my gifts. When I add that into the mix, it really helps with eliminating comparison and judgement.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://www.susan-berland.com
Yes, that’s the main thing about judging and/or compariing. It keeps us apart from others. In the end, we are all one, we are all part of the whole and to separate us from one separates us from all. That’s very lonely. I know that feeling too well. It’s not fun, it hurts and there is absolutely no need whatsoever for it. The judge needs to retire and the gavel permanently mounted as a reminder!
Thanks for sharing your journey! Here’s to more pleasant journeys or at least more aware journeys with open eyes, open minds, and most of all, an open heart.
Part of being human is struggling with parts of ourselves that we don’t like: the judge, the angry child, the saboteur, etc. While I agree that gratitude is a worthy antidote to judging, I have also come to see that since these are all parts of myself, I must make peace with them, and continuing to make them the enemy will never bring that about. I’m gradually learning to welcome in these parts, let them pour it out all their angst and really listen to them from an objective point of view. By the time they run out of gas, I can see their pain, their fear or their misguided perspective of thinking, for example. that they are protecting me from something. “What we resist persists,” but when we can hold space for our unlovely selves to be heard and embraced, the dynamic changes.
I so agree with you. Sometimes you have to let it run but you must be in the observer position or you could spiral down into a bigger mire. Being the observer can take a big sting out of the whole process. That does take some practice. And it always come down to thoughts that need some major questioning. I do know that phrase “What we resist persists” and I had a recent reminder of it. I gave up and the minute I gave up, it began to fall away. Thanks for your post. It’s obvious we have much in common. Sometimes I even try to look at those parts that the judge doesn’t like and ask how can I improve on it? There are times I swear I hear the raspberry in my head to that question! LOL
It is sad that negativity and being judgemental comes so easy…to most of us…even to just ourselves…but its what we lived, what we were taught by those who loved us, and what we see around us. I am guilty myself…but try to remember you don’t always know the story….and that it could be you one day! I read a blog post that Robbie “shared” this week and it has my mind re-thinking everything!!!! I will have to find it again and post it for you. I struggle to make my kids aware of what they say to/about people (and themselves)and how they react to people…hurts people (including them)…but it is not easy to undo…and they learn it everywhere they turn!!! Thank you for an informative post and for making us think about all of this…and its effects!
I hear you loud and clear. I grew up being taught drama, judgment and jealousy. There were rungs of society and at times I heard you can’t change what rung you are on. Even in schools, they classed you by your socio-economic status. It was crushing to learn ours wasn’t what I thought it was. I learned when I applied to go to a Catholic High School. However, learning how to question your thoughts is a big step. Asking is that thought true? And if I get a yes, I ask myself is it ABSOLUTELY true? That one little word makes a huge difference. This is all from Byron Katie’s The Work. There is more but sometimes just asking those two questions about a thought can change your emotions instantly. If you think someone doesn’t like you, and you ask those two questions you realize you can’t really and truly know what’s in that person’s head. We suffer because of our thoughts and if we learn to question our thoughts, the suffering goes away. Then gratitude is there to show us how blessed we are. Thanks for sharing, Rita.
Julianne – I hope to meet you someday – I’m sometimes out in your neck of the woods and I hope I can meet you in person.
I liked this post. I too have a harsh judge on my shoulder. I also find that going back to the basics and doing some emotional accounting is really helpful. I am thankful for X Y & Z. Period. And sometimes, that has to be enough. Goodnight, Judge!
Debbie
As Maridel pointed out, we need to make friends with the judge. If we don’t see it as an enemy but a misguided soul, we can take some of the angst out of the situation. Same goes for our ego. Our ego is frightened of losing its grip on us and the judge is part of the ego. Our ego does things like saying just do this and you’ll be safe! But the ego created the situation in the first place and now it’s asking us to trust it to undo it! Rather comical when you look at it this way. Life is definitely a journey. As we become more aware, we can have more fun on our journey if we learn not to take ourselves and our quirks so seriously!
It would be fun to meet up. Let me know when you come to beautiful Ventura which at the moment is very foggy!
I have one of those judges, too! and not a very nice one, either. Never really thought of that as being judged before, though, so now I like being able to give that negative way of thinking a name and a persona so I can more effectively tell it to be quiet and go away! I agree that a heart of gratitude is a miraculous way to overcome all the negative thoughts and fill your heart with peace and joy; when I can remind myself to do that, I always experience a tiny taste of what Heaven must be like — a never ending experience of peace, joy, thankfulness, love, and wonder. I just need to remember to practice gratitude more consistently and more intentionally. Thank you for bringing it to my mind right now! Whenever I am feeling low or in a dark place, I have learned that turning to God, putting it all at His feet, and then thanking Him for His love and care for me, will ease my anxiety, soothe my fears and restore my strength. Just saying the words “Thank You, Jesus!” puts a smile on my face and warms my heart to the core!
Maridel also reminded me that resistance to the judge makes the judge stay in residence. The ego is fearful of losing control so the judge comes in to make us miserable. When we are aware that all of this is done out of fear and fear is False Evidence Appearing Real, it helps a lot. So acknowledge the judge, thank him and start your gratitudes. We all have a lot to learn from each other! Thank you for your post.
Hi Julieanne,
Thank you for another provocative post! Got me thinking again. “Wondering” is more like it.
As you present it, does “judging” mean having ANY opinion about something or someone. Or is judging to be avoided only if it involves positive or negative opinions, and the misleading effects they can have on what we think and what we do?
Personally, I like to perceive and act from a neutral perspective, but I recognize that judging occasionally gives us the benefit of valuable lessons we’ve learned. So as I see it, being judgmental can be good or bad, and our challenge is learning to see the difference.
Whenever I feel like I’m being unreasonably judgmental, I rely on two remedies. First, I say to myself, “It’s not personal, just information, and it might be right or wrong”. Second, I say, “Just like me, he’s just doing his best to make sense of the world, and act reasonably. Give him a break.”
Robbie
Sorry my response has been so delayed! I’m basically talking about judging others to make ourselves feel better or worse, not judging whether a certain circumstance or item would benefit us or not. I’m talking about using the judging in ways that are hurtful to another or ourselves. And your last paragraph is very enlightened. It’s looking at another and seeing that they are human and struggling just as you are so you give them the benefit of the doubt or a break whichever applies! Thanks, Robbie.
I understand where you are coming from, but I view comparison a little differently. I see a true comparison as lining two things up side by side listing facts, almost in a chart-like fashion. How are they the same, how are they different, but no decision of how those differences make one better than the other. Kind of like the “comparison” I recently looked at of Buddhism and Christianity. There was no inherent judgement of any piece being better or worse than the other, just what is. It’s when we begin to place our opinion of value on the characteristics that it becomes judgement. It reminds me of my freshman writing course. The entire course was about reading an article and summarizing it. How easy is that? But very intelligent people failed on a regular basis because they couldn’t resist the urge to put their opinion into their “summaries,” and this was with the ability to re-write every assignment twice.
That said, I agree we as a society spend too much time judging ourselves against others and when we are in those slumps, we are sure to judge ourselves against people and situations that will guarantee we come out the “losers” in that moment. What I realize though, is that there might be someone using me or my situation to “compare” against so that they come out high/low. I am coming to own the fact that I am me and my journey is mine. There is no other person with the exact same story or situation as me, so I can’t judge me vs. them either to make myself feel better or feel worse.
Wonderful awareness, Brenda. Yes, I remember doing that comparison list when I bought my first house. I looked at the pros and cons of owning a home or renting. I’m talking more about the person to person comparisons because we are wanting to come out on top or feeling disgruntled with where we are in life, we want to come out on the bottom. That’s the judgement that we need to acknowledge, and then let go. We are all human. And no two people are alike on their journey. But again, when you see something in another that makes you nuts, then recognize you are looking in a mirror. So look within and make adjustments. The judge can be accepted and released if we don’t attache ourselves to the outcome of the judgement.
Julieanne, thanks for making me stop and think for a minute. How do I “snap myself out of it”, we’ve all been there when we don’t feel like we’re doing anything right or measuring up. For me it normally takes a little bit before I kick the “judge” off my shoulder and realize I’m in the “muck”. If I’m looking at those around me with “dark glasses” I remind myself to use empathy and try to look at things from their perspective, with an open mind and heart. If I’m being harsh on myself and comparing to orders I’ll normally try to do something that I love, like dancing for a few minutes or read a book – just to get the mind and body working on something else.
I’m with you on the dancing! I started dancing early on and learned the mambo and the cha-cha at 10 or 11. But Maridel is right about resisting the judge. Recognize him, acknowledge him and let him go. If we let go of the attachment to the judgement, the result, we can get free of the judge. But also remember if we get upset at what we see in another, then realize that we may have the same thing in us and the Universe wants us to take a look at ourselves.
I love that you shared your thoughts with me along with all the others who have. I’m honored that I made other stop and think about this topic and that I learned from other comments as well.
Thank you so much.