A couple months back I wrote a blog on The Art of Mirroring. It is a great technique to look into the world of you and learn more about who you are, what behaviors and characteristics you have. What’s the best way to learn that?
Relationships show us what we need to do to improve ourselves. You don’t need relationship advice. You need to look at how the people you have a relationship with pushes your buttons, then ask yourself why. They are mirroring for you what you don’t like about yourself! You cannot see in another what you yourself do not have. It’s how we recognize things. And that goes for the good, the bad and the ugly!
This isn’t easy for anyone to do. I struggle at times with certain people that I simply cannot believe that I have anything similar with them. I do know I don’t want it to be true as well.
But down deep, I know I’m just being blind. I will find the similarity. And why is that important? Until I recognize and accept I’m just like them, then I can’t change it!
Are there people in your life you avoid? Are there people that grate on your nerves so bad, you want to scream? Have you really looked hard at them to see what you are seeing that you simply can’t tolerate? And how are you similar?
I have had this kind of experience! It’s sometimes deflating to recognize that trait in myself that I find so distasteful. At other times, however, I am irritated by someone, and it’s more a lesson in how to stop trying to control than anything about a trait in myself. That is, some people who bother me are my lesson in “staying in my own space” rather than trying to fix others. Not sure they are all carrying my traits so much as my lesson. I guess I learn more from irritating people than from anybody else!
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com/blog/
Personal-Professional Balance Through Writing
Yes, everyone is there for a lesson. And you are right. It’s not always about a trait but an action we find that we do. And sometimes they are a reminder on how not to act. But everyone is definitely our teacher and sometimes they are they are there to remind us we are really wonderful, warm and loving too! I love it when they mirror our wonderfulness!
Thanks for your comments!
I know we’ve had this conversation before, but I still don’t like it, lol! I guess its because I don’t want to look at me…and why they are there…..especially those that grate on my nerves, omg, do I do that to people?! Its a hard look at reality…one I am not good at yet….but appreciate your kind words and pushing us to look inside to see where the lesson is to be learned. great job on your vlog:) thanks again for helping me, help me!
Rita Brennan Freay
http://ritabrennanfreay.com
@google-54fac97bb071a531a8a41a4c894c0e8a:disqus I realized that it was hard for me to see this when I wasn’t so kind or loving to myself. When I didn’t see anything lovable in me, then I couldn’t handle learning about more disgusting things about myself. Now that I know we are all similar and that we all have fears and many of us weren’t taught to love ourselves just as we are faults, goodness, loving and all. And the biggest gift in seeing yourself in another is that you can then change it in yourself and when it’s gone, you don’t see it reflected anymore or when it is, you aren’t bothered about it. Or you feel sad for that person becuase you know deep inside, they are hurting!
We need to find time to talk again! Love you!
Happy Birthday! and thanks for the concept of mirroring. I don’t think I’ve ever really thought about it in that fashion before. Yet, it is really logical. Trying to think of people I don’t really care for, and why not, I can definitely see possibilities of traits that I certainly don’t like whether in them or in myself. I am going to be a lot more cognizant from now on. It is great to learn new concepts and your first vlog was great! Congrats.
Thanks, Candace for the comments and the compliments. It’s great that you see the value in this! I wasn’t as receptive when I first learned about it. But then I hated myself so much that to learn of things in me that weren’t good was just more than I could deal with. Yet I knew that until I saw those things I could not change them. So it was a struggle at first. It still is at times but I just keep saying “Ok, what’s similar”. I’m still waiting for some insights on one! LOL
Congratulations on your birthday and your first (?) vlog! I like the concept of mirroring, especially as a process of discerning—looking at what moves me and what drains me and looking at how I internalize both. I remember when my little brother at the age of about 7 said sagely “You most dislike in other people what you most dislike in yourself.” I was 9 at the time and knew that I had just heard something very wise. The practice of mirroring makes this awareness a conscious choice…
hanks @VickiDelloJoio:disqus for the congratulations!. That’s amazing that your younger brother said that at such a young age! He probably saw the similarity between you and the one you disliked. And sometimes I just don’t want to know what it is because I so despise what I’m seeing. Those are the tough ones. Ever have one of those?
I don’t know what you were so afraid of, you are beautiful on camera! Does this only apply to people you have a relationship with? Because there are people I don’t know that bug the crap out of me. (I don’t spend too much time and energy thinking about them, but when I see them,I think, “I don’t like you”) If I get ired at someone who is blatantly racist, does that mean I’m racist? (I happen to believe that deep down we all have biases, it’s how we choose to act on them.) So, if I’m following, then if I get mad, then I’m mad at myself for having those deep-down biases? Or, could it be something else?
Great questions, Pat. It does not just apply to people with whom you are close. As to the racist issue, I understand that too. I think we all have racial biases. So maybe you get angry at someone who is racist toward a group you accept. But I know I find myself having racist attitudes toward others I’ve developed a fear towards. I also see racist type reactions to people in different socio-economic stratas. I don’t like that about myself. So we may not see the exact same trait but something similar that is being shown to us to look at. I’ve had an ongoing issue with one person and I still can’t see what is being shown to me. But I am noticing as time goes on, that some of my feelings are subsiding. I still have an internal cringe seeing an email from them.
I don’t have all the answers. So when I can’t figure out what they are showing me, I allow myself to just be open to seeing it. And one day I get an insight or a glimmer that leads me to a revelation about me. Then I have a chance of changing it.
Thank you, Pat for the sweet compliments. You know that we each are very hard on ourselves. I grew up believing I was ugly due to things I was told and overheard. It’s taken me years to change that belief. I’m still working on it! LOL!
Oh please, Julieanne, did you have to remind me of this!! I’ve known this for a long time but I sometimes conveniently forget! Of course the traits in others that bug me the most are those that I still find unacceptable in myself or ones that I’ve worked really hard at overcoming and don’t like to be reminded of. Learning to love and accept myself as I am allows me to do the same for others.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://susan-berland.com
Don’t we all want to forget this! So now you want to string me up? There are some that think that they can’t have something that person has that makes them nutso. But everyone including strangers are our mirrors whether we like it or not. And yes, we can choose to avoid them and ignore the growth opportunity! I’m doing that now with someone. At some point I’m going to have to face myself!
This has been a topic in our house recently as David just read the book “The Shadow Effect” which speaks to this very issue. It is difficult to think that the things we despise the most may be hidden deep within ourselves at some level.
Julie Labes: The Fun-Loving, Feisty, Fearless, Frisky, Fierce Over 50 Traveler
But think of the benefits in facing them. I think many think that if you recognize you have a trait that you despise that you have to then learn to live with it. But that’s not true. Once you know you have it, you can make a change. As an example, I would get mad talking to my husband thinking he wasn’t listening to my ideas and ignoring what I had to say. When I realized that I was doing that to him , i was stunned. But I began to listen to what he had to say and give it thought before I responded and funny thing, I learned he did listen to my ideas too.
My experience is that when I’ve found what I have that is similar and then change it within me, I can be around that person and be more comfortable. It’s really never about them. It’s about us!
And I did another video today! It’s not up yet.
Good job Julieanne. Now, knock it off! LOL Just kidding, of course. Truthfully, this kind of struck a nerve with me. I have to say that over the last few years I’ve worked really hard at not taking things personally or making assumptions. So most people don’t bother me too much. However, there’s someone who wants to date me and although we haven’t met in person yet, he irritates me a great deal sometimes. I think I take his calls because I’m intrigued with the sheer volume of people who like him. I’ve never known anyone with so many friends. Yet to me, he comes across as arrogant. I know that we share some things in common. But I also know I am not arrogant. So I’ve been trying to figure out, just what it is I am supposed to learn from him.
Renee, I too work hard at not taking things personally or making assumptions. I take it you’ve read The Four Agreements by Ruiz. Yet sometimes that petty part of me wants to pout at some supposed injustice (taking it personally).
Maybe you have some arrogance in a different area. Is there someplace where you feel you know more than others and maybe you look at them from your knowledge position at the top and feel a bit arrogant? I know I’ve done that and probably still do in some areas. Arrogance can also be a great cover for massive insecurity. We have such great ways of hiding things from us about us!
So what do you see in him that you like that reminds you of you, too? When you discover what the irritation is, I’d love to hear about it if you are willing to share.
Thank you for your comments. I know for some people this concept is so alien to them. They just can’t believe that what gripes them so much in another is seeing themselves in that other person. And the being is just giving them this great opportunity to grow and evolve. Our worst enemies are our best teachers!
I thought I commented on this – but anyway…. you know I have used this before (at your recommendation) with my daughter and it is powerful stuff. Kind of scary sometimes, but well worth the time and effort to connect with hard to reach people.
It’s most powerful to recognize in you what you see in others: good or bad. It’s so easy to see the good in others and yet many times we neglect to see that it means we have it too. But to face the truth when you don’t like what you see in another takes courage, a willingness to see it in ourselves, then step forward to change it. I have great trouble at times with seeing what it is in me that I am seeing in them at times. But once seen, I’ll rush to change it – I so don’t want to be like them. Funny thing is that when that happens, I don’t seem to see that same thing in them again!
You are so funny Juliann, I have never tried this technique but I often see the truth of others in recognizing the Christ in them. It makes life very harmonious for me. Have you ever tried seeing the truth of everyone?
@KirkZacharda:disqus I’m not sure what you mean about seeing the truth. What does that mean “seeing the truth of everyone?” I do truly believe that everyone is a mirror for us. They show us what’s good about ourselves and what we need to change when we find ourselves being irritated by what they do.
I do believe that at everyone’s core is the God essence, that spark we all share. I’m not always successful in seeing that when they are mirroring something in me that I can’t stand. Then I’m too blinded by the irritation.
Hi Julianne,
Happy Birthday, and congratulations on the nice video. Thanks for reminding us of the benefits of Mirroring. In my experience, mirroring is something most of us seem to understand in theory, but few of us remember in practice. With occasional reminders like yours, we’re likely to become more thoughtful about what we like or dislike in others. And we’ll recognize that what we see in them is really about us lots more often than we suspect.
Robbie
All true, @RobbieSchlosser:disqus . It is about us. But remember to congratulate yourself when you see something in another that you love or makes me feel just wonderful. You have it too or you can’t see it in them.