Funny how life’s reflections start when you learn a family member has passed. Yesterday I learned that my cousin Joanne had passed. You may say it’s just a cousin. She was however also someone’s daughter and someone’s sister. I spent a lot of time with her when we were kids. At one point, when my mom and dad got a divorce, my mom, sister and I moved in with Joanne’s family which included her mom and older sister, Loretta. Her father was my godfather who had passed before we moved in. So for a few years we all lived as one family. We were childhood playmates and schoolmates.
Joanne, Penny and Julieanne – sassy little girls
As things happen in families, Joanne and I were often compared since we were so close in age. The results were stated as such: “Julie is really smart but Joanne has the beauty” or we would hear “Joanne is so pretty but Julie has the brains”. You can imagine what resulted from those little sentences said over and over again. For years, if not decades, I was totally convinced I was ugly and Joanne lived under the delusion that she was dumb. She struggled with that her entire life never overcoming that belief. To make matters worse for her, the doctors gave her a label cemeinting that belief. Jealousies abounded between us. Which was more favored: the brains or the beauty? A rift was created that was never quite bridged along with deep seated suspicions fed by the mothers. When I was in my twenties, Loretta and I figured out what our mothers were doing. Our mothers had an ongoing jealousy match and we kids became unwitting pawns in their game.
Joanne got to attend a charm school and learned lots of beauty secrets. She always looked perfect. I don’t know when she found her church she loved. She became a devoted member of the church and for years she donated her time doing the makeup for those on the television show. That church became her life and her religion was her solace. She had a deep faith that sustained her.
Some family members are devastated, some are upset that they had no clue she was dying, some are upset at being left in the dark. Yet all of what Joanne did to isolate herself from everyone and keep many in the dark, she did for herself. So often we take things personally and it’s not necessary. As Don Miguel Ruiz puts it: “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
In remembering her life, I felt a sadness for all the time she lived believing she was dumb. How close might we have become had we not been made unwitting rivals? Loretta and I are more like sisters than cousins. What might have happened had Joanne believed more in herself? When a child hears their parents labeling them, it makes a huge impression. To be labeled by a parent can have life long devastating consequences if the comments impart negativity or cause limitations. Parents need to be more mindful of how they speak about their children when the children can hear or overhear. Now I’m going back more to be there for Loretta, to see my other cousins and sister and do one last thing for Joanne. To honor her life as she saw fit to live it.
I believe this was all a result of unquestioned thoughts and feelings. I believe it is important to question any thought, any belief before you take it as one of your own. Kids should be taught that early on! What other people think of you is none of your business as Byron Katie often says.
What conversation did you hear as a child that left you with an indelible mark in your life, whether good or bad?
Oh boy don’t get me started on conversations I heard as a child as I have been working on smashing those for a while now. I didn’t fit well in my family, I was a rebel and a dreamer and all my dreams were laughed at or were described as silly – so I stopped dreaming and stopped voicing them. I turned to self destructive behaviors instead. Lovely post about how those conversations affect our lives. I’m glad your cousin found her family in her church – I find mine through friends and that’s why I’m finding this trip back to visit family quite stressful!
Louise Edington
Fabulous and Fearless
http://louiseedington.com
Louise, this is for me as much as it is for you. There are a couple of things to remember when you visit your family. One: Your validation comes from within. You no longer need their validation to be who you are. Two: Whatever they say or do they are doing for themselves and has nothing to do with you whatsover. Take nothing personally. It’s all about them. If you get tired of listening to their opinion of you, just say thanks for your thoughts and opinions but I need a break, I’m on vacation. Can you keep them to yourself until I leave please? LOL! And laugh if you can! Or excuse yourself and go for walk taking a lot of deep breaths. I’m hoping I can remain in the observer position as much as possible, watching it all as if it’s a theatrical play being put on just for me! And I may need some intermissions, too! Families can push our buttons but if we stay present and don’t take it personally and realize they are doing this for themselves and not for us, we will have a great time or at least a pleasant one. And if they say what you do or dream is silly, agree with them and say “Isn’t it grand though? I get to be silly and enjoy my life in the process!” It will take much of the charge out of it. What is one person’s silly is another’s joy. Have a great trip! email me if you need a boost! I’ll have my phone, just slow at typing back.
Thanks – I have done a lot of emotional preparation for this trip and know it will be okay – any pep talk helps though 🙂 I will be using the tools I have learned through the Alexander Technique to stay centered and let it all wash over me. And I may be surprised that because I have grown and changed they may no longer do some of the things they used to! Thanks for the support!
Wonderful! You are prepared and yes, when we change, it does cause others to change around us! Have a ball!
My mother did what your mom and aunt did all by herself. She set up the competition between my sister and myself that still sometimes haunts me today. Only today, I recognize it and I don’t have to act on it. Thankfully, my sister and I are close and can talk about these things. My sister, my cousin and I have often talked about what kind of childhood our parents had that created them. We can only imagine. Today, my cousin is now dying. She is only 3 months older than I and way too young t o die. I feel a deep sadness at this loss and at the same time, I feel so blessed to have become the person I am today.
Thank you for the wonderful reminder that we don’t have to own the messages of our childhood.
Susan Berland
A Picture’s Worth
http://www.susan-berland.com
I’m so sorry about your cousin, too! And I’m glad you are the person you are and that I’ve found you. We sure don’t have to own those messages. They were from another time, and we have to realize that they helped shape us. We should be grateful because it helped us become better beings and forgive those who simply could not get past their own upbringing.
I don’t know why I thought I was the only one in the world who had a mother that did that! Yes, my mom did the same. She couldn’t be friends with my sister and I at the same time. I would come home from college and no one would greet me. I was on the outside. Then when mom switched to me, my sister was ignored. On the rare occasions when my sister and I were friends and laughing and playing together, my mom would accuse us of talking about her and laughing at her. We just couldn’t win! My sister and I are still healing but we’ve come a long way. My sister still believes to this day that I was the favored one and I always thought she was. I even hear from my great nieces statements like “Oh, you’re the one that Grandma loved best!”. I was floored and stunned and I can’t get through to my sister on this. So I guess I just have to accept it. I think I’ll picture her realizing the truth at some point and releasing all that old baggage. I did tell my nieces that my mom made each of us feel the other was favored. It wasn’t a one sided thing.
Whenever the Italian cousins get together, we talked about what our parents must have gone through to do what they did. We actually have some horrific stories that our mothers told us about their childhood, about them huddling together and betting on which one of them was to get a beating from their father when he got home. There were 8 of them. The rest I don’t really want to imagine. I know too much as it is. There is so much more that makes me feel really sorry for my mother and her siblings. No one should have to live like that. And yet they did. It’s all sad. Yet it is what it is.
Thank you for sharing with me! I’m so glad we are learning about each other. A big hug to you.
Thank God that you came to your awareness of this, Julieanne, so that both of you could move forward loving and supporting each other. Death is the next step on the spiritual plane, so to speak, and I feel that the people who surround you both before and after that transition are there for a reason. Hang in there, and know that you are meant to be part of this process, for her, for your family and most importantly, for yourself.
Travel surrounding yourself in peace and love.
Thank you, Pam. Families can try you like no others. Luckily it’s just the cousins left and we’ve all had the battle scars and we often talked about wanting to be different that our parents. We’ve always managed to laugh together. So I’m picturing laughter and light abounding. I’m so grateful to have such a supportive community in SNCC and my friends and the new ones I’m forming here!
Thank God that you came to your awareness of this, Julieanne, so that both of you could move forward loving and supporting each other. Death is the next step on the spiritual plane, so to speak, and I feel that the people who surround you both before and after that transition are there for a reason. Hang in there, and know that you are meant to be part of this process, for her, for your family and most importantly, for yourself.
Travel surrounding yourself in peace and love.
Thank God that you came to your awareness of this, Julieanne, so that both of you could move forward loving and supporting each other. Death is the next step on the spiritual plane, so to speak, and I feel that the people who surround you both before and after that transition are there for a reason. Hang in there, and know that you are meant to be part of this process, for her, for your family and most importantly, for yourself.
Travel surrounding yourself in peace and love.
Thank God that you came to your awareness of this, Julieanne, so that both of you could move forward loving and supporting each other. Death is the next step on the spiritual plane, so to speak, and I feel that the people who surround you both before and after that transition are there for a reason. Hang in there, and know that you are meant to be part of this process, for her, for your family and most importantly, for yourself.
Travel surrounding yourself in peace and love.
Yes, the SNCC people are wonderful. Kind of like creating a supportive unit based on being a task-oriented group, which turns into friends who actually care about you! I’ve found that as an adult, it’s easier to connect with family [sometimes!] because we are capable of being more forgiving of ourselves and as a result each other’s faults, and you’re right, seeing the humor in painful situations.
I hope that you will all come together in loving support for each other and enjoy the precious and meaningful moments together.
Travel safely…
Thanks, Pam. Yes, you have made some good points. I’ve found myself thinking a little differently about them. I do believe I need to be very mindful because I feel it could be easy to slip back into the mold. I’ll just remind myself to take several breaths and put my attention in my heart before I open my mouth!
Lovely, thoughtful post Julieanne. I especially like that you quoted one of my favorites, Don Miguel Ruiz.
As adults, we can better discern the motivations behind people’s words and can make the choice how much those comments ring true or how much weight we give them. but as children, we are just little sponges and everything we hear (especially from our parents), we believe as truth.
I’m happy I clicked over to your post (from a comment you left on someone else’s blog)
Heidi & Atticus
http://www.atticusuncensored.com
“commentary to give you paws…”
Thank you so much. I’m glad you liked the post and I’m glad you clicked over to it. I don’t remember referring to this in a comment! But I must have. We are little sponges and can continue being sponges but more discerning sponges as we mature and learn to take our own counsel. The vigilance to watch your thoughts and your beliefs must continue, for me, anyway. I find I slip back into those old habits. I think I was very worried I would slip back going back but I learned I won’t slip back. I stayed center and calm although I started to allow some sadness in until I changed my thinking. So moving forward, forging new habits.