Before I got on my spiritual path, I was very heavily invested in judging others: how they looked, talked, or ate along with their occupation, their mate, and their beliefs (especially if they didn’t agree with mine) to name just a few of them. I started on my path due to an accident some 10-11 years ago.
During my journey, I went to many spiritual seminars and I began to realize how judging others was of no benefit to me, in fact, it causes me more harm than good. Then I learned about the mirroring factor (and I’m not talking about disk mirroring for disc recovery here!). Everyone we have in our lives is a mirror for us to learn from and use that information to improve ourselves. At the time, I didn’t fully understand that. Now I do.
I believe that’s part of our lesson, our growing and our evolving spiritual growth. And if you’ve ever done this, you know it’s not always easy to do. Especially if the person, who is being that fabulous mirror for us right now, is someone we simply can’t stand! The thought of having anything in common with them is just too much to think about. I’ve even argued with it at times thinking that there is no way in hell I have that same trait or habit or whatever. When that happens to me, I have some major angina (pronounced in a decidedly Italian way: AHH – gi-nah, emphasis on the first syllable). I keep reliving the situation and it fuels the anger. These battles rage until I remember that in not facing the truth, I’m only holding myself back from being my best self. That is the payoff to making the change.
On the other side of the mirror, if you see something you love in another, then know that you have that same thing or you wouldn’t be able to see it in them. There was a time I couldn’t accept that lovely truth. I had so little self esteem, so little self worth, I couldn’t accept the good in me. Accepting something beautiful about myself would cause me something akin to physical pain. Now I delight in it!
Boy, those cookies sure look really good! Want to share?
So why do we so dislike seeing ourselves in others? Is it because we don’t want to face the truth about ourselves? Is it a fear that we can’t change that aspect of ourselves? Is it simply that we do not want to admit that we have that particular trait? Or is it that we don’t want to have anything in common with the person that we really don’t like? (Sounds like a fabulous mirror to me here!)
What are your thoughts on mirroring? Or what do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you love what you see?
I can honestly say I did not always love what I saw in the mirror until about 15 years ago. Being the victim of sexual abuse in my freshman year in college, all I saw was a worthless person. This continued into my mid-twenties, when the trauma of the attack haunted me so much, I became an agoraphobic. Talk about having no self-worth! After a failed marriage and years of therapy, I finally emerged out of my cocoon as a strong woman, realizing my self-worth. But, it took a long time and a lot of pain and anxiety. Today, I wish so much my youngest would mirror my example, but so far, that has not occurred. It is almost like reliving my past sometimes, as she too, was a very young victim of sexual and emotional abuse before we adopted her. Mirroring is a very wonderful mechanism to attain self-worth and to see our faults, too.
Thank you, Laurie for sharing something so incredibly poignant. Sometimes there are no words. You are incredibly strong and brave. First you experience what you did, overcame it and now share it. This also gives you an amazing insight into your daughter’s trauma. Maybe you can look at her when she upsets you most and ask what it is you see in her that upsets you so, that maybe reminds you of something you don’t want to see or remember. Maybe there is still more healing for you there. In looking in the mirror of her, you can show her how to do the same. I’m touched by what you shared.
Thanks for this post, Julieanne! I needed to be reminded…about the good AND the bad mirrors. I read Debbie Ford’s The Shadow a few years back and it was a great experience (to consciously and actively look for the shadow of others in myself and then love it and use it to make positive change). Most of the time now, I’m pretty laidback and accepting. But lately, when I see people being negative and spewing ugliness, I turn away in disgust. Without acknowledging their shadow is part of mine. Without sending them love. I’m going to try harder now.
You’re welcome, Tea. It’s amazing how sometimes what we see in others closes all the doors in our awareness. I’ll spend hours being angry until slowly my awareness starts to assert itself. Then I argue with it! LOL! Luckily I want to be a better person more than I want the aggravation. I so hear what you are saying. I do it with negative spewing too and a few other things! Thanks for sharing.
Very interesting! And, I love your comment above “It’s amazing how sometimes what we see in others closes all the doors in our awareness. I’ll spend hours being angry until slowly my awareness starts to assert itself. Then I argue with it! LOL! Luckily I want to be a better person more than I want the aggravation” I’d like to think that is how I handle it too…but thanks for the reminder that we are always growing and have so much to learn from the people in our lives….if we let it happen!!! I will keep this in mind and make it a point to think about this..before (or after) reacting! lol:) Thanks!
Rita Brennan Freay
@Rita4kids
ritabrennanfreay.com
You’re very welcome. If can’t laugh at what we do and release some of the frustration and in some cases, pain, we make it harder on ourselves. I’m so happy that others see it. I remember the first time I heard this concept, I thought the person was nuts! Soon you learn and that’s the important part of it. Thanks for commenting and sharing!
I have this with my mother. We have a good relationship, but she still drives me nuts. I’ve known for awhile that the things that bothered me about her, were things that really bothered me about myself because we are so much alike. They are parts of myself that I want to improve. As far as the mirroring concept goes, I’ve only thought about it in terms of negative traits, but never positive traits. What a great insight. I can’t believe I never thought of it that way. AHA!
How wonderful that you got that from this. Yes, I too, never thought about the positive aspects until one day I hugged a woman I admired so much and said “You are absolutely fantastic and I just wanted to tell you.” She hugged me backed, kissed me on the cheek and said into my ear “Then I guess tells me a lot about you, too”. I was touched, floored, got it and grinned from ear to ear. After that, I never forgot it. This is what we all want, isn’t it? To help people see something or get something from what we write that helps in their life! Thank you! You added a sweetness to my day!
Julianne, you illuminated this topic so beautifully. I especially loved your illustration of your process you go through when you meet someone you can’t stand. Oh, I recognize it so well! It’s always so heartening to hear people talk of their spiritual paths and the “before” and “after” effects. Letting go of judgment is, as you conveyed, a challenge, but so worth the grace it brings into our lives. Thank you for a thoughtful and colorful post.
Thank you so much, Maridel. I’m so glad you liked it. I had a day yesterday where the mind/ego was appearing to win. Until I let go of resisting it and I was able to regain my balance. It is interesting to hear about others. And it helps you know that you are not alone!
Ugh yes! I used to think I wasn’t judgmental but I was more deeply judgmental than I realized as I was judgmental of people I accused of being shallow enough to judge people on their appearance lol. I also, interestingly, became REALLY judgmental for a while when I started my own spiritual growth path – judging those who weren’t following the same path lol. Now I try and practice what you are teaching here and my life is getting better and better! Thanks for a great post!
Louise Edington
Fabulous and Fearless
http://louiseedington.com
I had to laugh! I did the same thing when I got on my spiritual path along with my high horse at the same time but somehow I didn’t see that as judging! We are strange creatures, we humans. Thank heavens we can continue to grow. I catch myself still doing some of those things but I see it sooner. Thanks for the chuckle! I enjoyed your comments.