I got an opportunity, a big one, to remind myself that another’s opinion of me is just that ,an opinion. It was their opinion of what I had done and what they thought of my doing it.
A leader in transformation
My instant reaction was to feel hurt, this was someone important to me. Then I stopped and looked again. I reminded myself that this happened to bring up some old tired emotions that needed to be loved, accepted, allowed, forgiven, and released. I also saw this as a great reminder that even though the person is important to me, they were merely sharing their opinion of my actions and that’s all. They are not an expert online or offline on me. I am the only expert of me.
Once I looked at it this way, I realized that they had reacted this way and it merely reflected their state of mind in that moment and somehow I was being a mirror for them.
It was a great reminder for me to be alert, to recognize an opinion doesn’t represent truth. It was a reminder to feel love for that person who, for whatever reason, did not feel uplifted and chose to lash out. It also showed me how far I had come, how much I have grown.
It gave me an opportunity to return love to that person anyway, to be grateful for the experience that gave me so much in awareness, appreciation for my path and realization that I am transforming, just like a butterfly. For me, mindfulness was my best tool here.
Wouldn’t it be great if we had some way to set an alert similar to the tsunami system? Then we’d know we had an incoming wave of inexpert opinions heading our way! By the way, I’m still working on my PhD in me!
How do you react when you get an unexpected opinion blasted in your face or in an email? How do you defuse it?
I had this happen myself about a year ago. A knee jerk reaction is what happened for me, and that how could this person say this when they didn’t really know me. An observer brought me back to what you wrote in this post. It was just an opinion. This made me feel much better and also reminded me that people, as I continue to put myself out into the world I am likely to get more opinions that may be true or not. Thanks Julieanne for raising my awareness again. You may inspired me for a blog post!
Sue Bock
http://couragetoadventure.com
For me, I have to remember each time. It used to take longer. This time it was just seconds and I do think that who says it makes a difference. We must be ever vigilant until that knee jerk reaction is replaced with positive reactions!
I consider these moments triggers–somebody’s comment evokes something in us that momentarily feels real but is really an old story or maybe even someone else’s story. I admit that I understand this well but nevertheless don’t always recognize the truth right away. Your approach of mindfulness is so valuable, and the more we cultivate it, the more we develop skills. I was waiting for you to comment on meditation as well–maybe use it after the fact to clean out what remains?
Happily, I don’t have a personal example coming to mind, but I think there’s a similar process with people pleasing–sort of worrying about others’ opinions before they even say anything! I have to work hard to stay out of that arena.
Judy Stone-Goldman
The Reflective Writer
http://www.thereflectivewriter.com
Personal-Professional Balance Through Writing
I wanted to keep the post short. And I also think that meditation is needed to just naturally keep us balanced. When we are dealing with day to day items, recognizing another’s opinion or the fact that we are mirror for someone has to be recognized as soon as possible to minimize the potential suffering.
Thanks, Julieanne, for re-examining what we do about other people’s opinions. How you relate it to “mindfulness” suggests a healthy response.
I guess it depends a lot on how much we rely on others for our own self-esteem. How vulnerable we make ourselves to other people’s problems.
I once heard a sales trainer discussing how to handle an “objection”, and he suggested, “Don’t take personally. It’s just information.” Sure, a personal friend is different from a sales prospect, and in all cases we ought to consider what all people say and do. But it helps when I realize that anyone’s opinion is just information.
Yes, exactly. Anyone’s opinion, including a spouse or family member, is just information on their thought process, their reaction to you and where they are in the moment. It’s important though to not take anything personally. It’s one of the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Julieanne,
How does it feel? Miserable, but to your point, only if you let it. This “It was a great reminder for me to be alert, to recognize an opinion doesn’t represent truth. ” was golden, and worth remembering. It’s natural to be hurt when someone lashes out. It’s also a great reminder to not do to others what hurts you. Beyond that, however, it can be incredibly freeing to move beyond someone else’s opinion to embrace your own essential truth. Funny, that’s sort of the theme of the post I submitted for Blogger Monday this week. I imagine I should thank you for reminding me of a lesson I certainly needed to hear.
Thank you.
Peace and good to you-Chelle
You’re very welcome. Thank you for your comments
Julieanne,
Besides my mom, I can’t remember someone giving me their unsolicited opionion of me or something I was doing. I have had ladies in my Bible study bring a thing or two up, and the time I didn’t like it much and got my feelings hurt, but quickly I realized that they were right, it was something in me that I just hadn’t seen or realized yet. If I do get an opinion I usually consider the sourse and then take a step back and try to discover why it bothered me.
Enjoyed your post,
Jean
Gratitude Coach
http://www.socgratitude.com/32934
It’s important to remember that what is important to one person may not be important to us. It’s great to look at what is said to see if maybe you can change, but then again, what makes that’s person’s opinion the “Bible”? We know ourselves far better than anyone else. And I do believe we are all mirrors for each other. And sometimes when another shares their opinion of you, they are actually talking about themselves.
Great story Julienne! I’m reminded of how I felt when I was vulnerable to unsolicited opinions about me just a few short months ago. Negative ones. I felt terrible. Constantly reflecting as to whether or not there is some truth to what they say. But looking bad at those moments, I am reminded of how much I have grown today. How to react to other opinions about me whether they are from the ones you love or from someone who just wants to share. Then it hits me … it’s not me, it’s them. I’m fabulous and I like myself no matter what. Sometimes I validate their comments, but overall I don’t worry about it too much because I like me very much! Like you, I am grateful for the experience and for who they are.
I absolutely love stories of growth and gratitude. Thank you for that.
You’re welcome. And yes, It’s most often about themselves. I hope to be able one day to not react with emotion and just say “thank you for sharing your thoughts!” Then I can just discard them.
I agree that remembering when another person is being aggressive or hurtful, staying mindful that this is Their business is so key. At the same time, I love doing a practice called The Fountain that helps filter out the wheat from the chaff because when I am not feeling hurt, angry or defensive, there are times when there is a gem of feedback that is useful for me to know—Other times, it’s just a wash.
I agree the key is not feeling hurt, angry or offensive. So you recognize a kernel of truth. Yes, then we can decide at that point whether what is pointed out is something we wish to act upon, change, incorporate or realize that it is an integral part of you that is acceptable and it is causing a problem for the other.
Wise advice and something I’ve been working on myself lately. It’s funny how all of positive reviews and comments I receive from readers are quickly forgotten with one snarky comment. I realize I’m allowing the words of one ignorant person to stay with me for days and completely throw me off balance. What a waste of time and energy, and yet I know we all do it to some degree.
We jump onto the negative because deep inside that is what we think of ourselves. It’s a taught behavior for many. And it’s comfortable. We’re used to the negative. If you look closely, you will see that to accept the positive is much harder. Then we have to accept that we are pretty incredible, that we have skills, that we made a difference. This quote from Marianne Williamson says it all:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”
Our stories and false self beliefs causes us to react to our environment. Our reactions are usually never what represents our true emotions and when expressed to quickly, they allow for the mind to take over instead of our heart. I know this to be something many of us understand but find harder to apply. The key is to learn from these events and move on while forgiven ourselves and others fully. Great share, Thank you Julieanne.
Yes, self knowledge is the key and accepting that your truth is the arbiter, not others! Forgiving yourself is also important. I agree. Thank you!
I love it…”We are our own experts”. So true. I have to constantly remind myself that other opinions are theirs and do not formulate how my life runs. I think this is especially helpful when we choose a life path that is non-traditional. There seems to be more critics when we march to the beat of our own drums.
Yes and even if we don’t march to the beat of our own drums, our society is in a heightened mode of judging others and offering up their opinion. Many of us accept these opinions as truth over our own knowing of who we are. I was lost for most of my life and had no faith or trust in myself. It’s part of the journey. The freedom comes from recognizing that no one can know us better than ourselves. If we but look deep inside.